I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
