I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
