ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
