So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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