I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
