dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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