When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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