I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
