I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
