totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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