I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
