Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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