Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
