I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
