I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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