Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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