awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize