AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
