You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
