I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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