just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
