**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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