Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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