god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
