Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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