eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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