the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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