I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
