i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
