So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
