You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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