All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
