He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
