Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
