I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
