they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
