Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize