when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
