Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
