remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
