awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
