after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
