I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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