mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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