I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
