he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
