Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
