If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
