i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
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