I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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