booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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