I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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