I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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