I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize