really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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