her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
