Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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